“How could I have done this? How could I have been so insensitive? What was I thinking or rather what was I not thinking? The gods will never forgive me, I will never forgive me…”
These words and more echoed in my mind through the whole day, with tears welled up in my eyes, tears I dare not let fall. I was this rising star in the unit, early that morning I still received accolades from everyone that mattered, hell, even from those that didn’t matter! Now all of that don’t matter, just one mistake and I tainted all that I have worked for. All the trust I have painstakingly built gone down the drain just like that, all because of one silly mistake.
No longer will they see that smart boy when they look at me, no longer will they call me to issues that was out of my league but that they normally would trust me with, no longer would they see the qualities of a leader, rather just one stare at me and all that comes to mind is ‘the boy that made the grave mistake’.
I could not eat, I could not sleep, the break I thought was going to come as a blessing turned out to cause me more grief, I was home all day thinking about what a mess I have made, I went out with the boys to ‘chill’ all in a bid to forget about what happened but it pressed harder on my mind.
I thought about how I probably did not even deserve to have risen to this level, I mean if I could take such a rash decision without even thinking things through, then maybe what my coach said was true “Boy, you just put the whole firm at risk, you don’t deserve to be here”…or do I?
Mistake…Wait a minute, did I just type mistake?…Does this deserve to be ranked as a mistake?…If yes, then maybe I have an opening, maybe I shouldn’t go as hard as I have gone on myself, maybe I should not beat myself up as much as I am doing at the moment…I mean even as I type these words, at this very moment, I am condemning myself except it just occurred to me that I have typed the word mistake and that just changes everything.
A second, critical look at this and I realize what happened to me really was a mistake. Yes, maybe I should have taken a moment to pause and think before taking the decision I took but I did not. Maybe I should have consulted but I did not, but then maybe I should let this go and move on but I’m not! Does it make sense to keep sulking about this, will that change the fact that I have messed up? Of course not!
Does it make sense to keep killing myself, to keep skipping meals, to keep pushing my friends and family away just because I made one mistake, needless to say that when my action was weighed on a tripod scale it was allowed to fly, so why kill myself? Don’t get me wrong I am not trying to justify what I did, rather I am trying to move on. I can either choose to allow my course be defined by an error or I can pick myself up, dust myself, chin up and realize that I’m not perfect and like everyone else I am prone to mistakes.
“Maybe the gods will forgive me; maybe I should start by forgiving myself”
What have you done that you continue to beat yourself up for? Like me what wrong decision did you take and you think there’s no way to right the wrong. She won’t trust me no more you say, He won’t love me anymore you think, you sulk all day, cry all night, your eyes have suddenly become a fountain, throwing up droplets of water every minute, your pillow is wet, wet from tears that refuse to dry up.
You try hard to forget about it but your heart just wouldn’t let go. Will you continue to hurt yourself or will you accept that you’re an imperfect being and there’s no roadmap for life but we are all just learning the ropes? Will you come to the understanding that the creator in his infinite wisdom has molded us with such perfection and yet given room for us to make mistakes?
So what about those that laughed at me in the unit and will keep laughing? The people that won’t trust me anymore, those I have let down? Well, I will walk up to them, take responsibility for my actions and tell them how sincerely sorry I am. Now here comes the million dollar question… What if they refuse to see me in that light? It goes to show that they are imperfect too; they’ll rather stay in the past and guess what that’s a mistake on their part too!
So we can either let each mistake we make (there will be many more) be a brick we lay in the construction of our road to success or we can stop at this one, beat ourselves up and CRY ABOUT IT.
I am @lumi_slim on twitter