40 Things I Learnt In 40 Years

Adetutu continues her 40th birthday celebration with a piece on the lessons she has learnt. We resume normal service after this.

Let us brag… *sashays and twists while blowing kisses*

In case you don’t know, I am 40 years old now, and there’s this way we 40+ people carry ourselves with grace. All of you stuck in your 30s better take several seats and let us educate you. Oju ti ri, and for those who don’t understand Yoruba, my native language, that simply means “eyes don see plenty things”.

Let us cut the chase and dive into the 40 things I have learnt as I clock 40. Anyways, I’m over 40 already. I should sound a note of warning – no shalaye this time; alaye forty no dey shalaye. Just the lessons I have learnt.

1. One person can see you as the greatest person in their life while someone else can see you as the worst person their life.

• You can lie down for people to walk on you and they still complain that you are not lying flat enough.

• No one stays with you permanently; learn to survive alone.

• Moving on doesn’t mean you forget about things; it just means you have to accept what happened and continue living.

• You don’t know pain until you crave a conversation with someone who is no longer alive.

• People have so many good things to say about you but you have to die first.

• In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count, It’s life in your years.

• The worst mistake any human can make is to postpone living. There will never be the right time to live life, just live in the moment.

• Sometimes, it takes 10 years to get to that 1 year that will change your life. Keep plugging away.

1. We are not here long enough to be living unhappy.

1. That it didn’t happen wasn’t because you didn’t give it your best. Might not be your season yet.

1. You can’t own people; you can only experience them.

1. I’ve seen people work hard, do their best, have a good heart and all. Yet nothing works for them. If God has shown you favour, don’t call others lazy.

1. Until you are in your season, you are going to look lazy and the world might see you as clueless while you wait for harvest.

1. No matter how good a person you are, you will always be bad in someone’s story.

1. For your peace of mind, do not try to understand everything.

1. We are all just a car crash, a diagnosis, an unexpected phone call, a new found love or a broken heart away from becoming a completely different person.

1. You’ll never truly understand Marriages, Divorces, Child birth, Death of a loved one or Parenting until it actually happens to you. Theories and assumptions of situations in life are not realities.

1. There’s no bond that cannot be broken; there are no ties that cannot be severed and absolutely nothing will happen. You will wake up the next morning and it will be just another day.

• Not every ‘association’ is meant to be a forever kind of thing. If you ever want to find happiness, you have to learn to be okay with that.

• As long as you know your heart and intentions are pure, don’t explain yourself to anyone. In other words, resist the urge to shalaye.

• One of the saddest truths about life is that the show must go on. Whether you are sad, tired, heartbroken, ill or depressed; you still have to get up and get things going.

• Everyone in your life will have a last day with you and you don’t even know when that will be.

• Stop chasing the wrong one; the right one won’t run.

• You can’t make someone love you by giving them more of what they already don’t appreciate.

• The people you sacrifice everything for can tell you one day that they never forced you to do anything for them.

• One of the hardest lessons we face in life is learning how to let go and accept when a person’s part in our story is over.

• Anybody can switch up on you no matter the history or bond.

• Strength is when you heal your wounds instead of spreading the pain.

• Some people will never appreciate what you bring to the table until they watch you in action at another table.

• The people you love don’t know how inaccessible you are to other people until they become ‘other people’.

• Deep down, you know exactly where you stand with someone but hope blurs the lines a bit.

• Loyalty isn’t grey; it is either black or white. You are either completely loyal or not loyal at all.

• Celebrate yourself; nobody knows what it takes to be you.

• It is easy to preach the sermon when life has not happened to you. General rules don’t apply.

• The grass is not always greener on the other side.

• You are not always going to get the closure or explanation you think you deserve.

• Hurt people, hurt people.

• Life is like a game with many levels. You are sometimes stuck on one level and you keep trying so hard to leave that level for the next not knowing the level you are trying so hard to move to is much harder than where you are coming from.

• You are in charge of your own happiness.

Now that you have read the 40 things I have learnt, let me know what you think.

I cover my pen and release myself from hypergraphia to go back to doing the kurukere that gives me my daily 2k.

40, Surprises…and Shalaye

By Adetutu Adewuyi

This is the big Four-Zero!
And with it comes Hypergraphia!
My urge to write is however being tampered by a mood i can’t quite explain. That mood, I really dont know how to define it now, is neither foul nor as exciting as it felt when I started my birthday countdown in January.

In the beginning

You know that feeling that makes you go “is this not the same birthday I’ve been counting down for?”

Trying to place what might be responsible for the mixed feelings, I found a soft target to pin all the blame on, same way we were told all our sins were placed on Jesus’ shoulders – a surprise birthday celebration being planned for me to herald my 40th in this school of whatever it is that life is.

Somehow I got wind of a surprise get-together for me,and that was enough to switch my mood from upbeat to gloomy.

Early days

How they thought they could pull that off without me catching a whiff is what surprises me. These people don forget say emi gangan ni Number 1 sleuth! I’ll forgive them because they think age is gonna make me change. They will be more careful next time.

The first thing that came to mind was to tell them I would not be available all day, and that was what I did when that question popped from whoever it was that asked.

“Birthday? I won’t be available all day o. I dey go ori oke to pray and invest more divine encounters into the new year and those ahead.”

That was enough to convince my parents although I knew I was lying through my teeth. I already planned to just laze away all day: lying on the couch, reading and replying messages, and answering phone calls. Any yeye surprise party no even feature. Although that itself was me forgetting the kind of people in my corner.

Having ‘discharged’ the older folks, I needed to come up with a perfect excuse to get Fiwa and Bolu, my siblings, off my back. Then there is Yewy and Tunri because there is no way anything will be planned without the duo.

I decided to confront Bolu.

“So you’re acting like you don’t know what is going on abi?”

“What’s going on?” she asked, giving me a ‘wetin-dey-worry-this-one’ look.

“You think I don’t know about the surprise party you guys are planning with my friends?”

“How many of your friends do I even interact with?”

Her denial did not come as a surprise. This one feigning ignorance has the contact of most people I call friends o. I just dey look am. I had made my point and I moved on to the next person.

“Hello Fiwa, e ku planning o.”

“Shebi you are sha satisfied now that you are aware. You got to know by checking my conversation with mum on her phone”

“Haaa, me ke? Check mum’s phone? When did that one start? Mum unknowingly gave me a clue by mentioning Kemi. Then Aunty Yemisi mentioned the twins bringing cake down. So me I added 1 and 1 together, and I wouldn’t have suspected anything if I didn’t have both clues. You should have planned with just Dad and Bolu.”

“You know you wouldn’t have heard anything from me,” Dad interjected.

When Mom told me Kemi called her, I was a bit surprised and I asked what the call was about. Realizing she should not have told me, she said “ma da mi loun. Mo n se aran ni” (Don’t mind me, I’m just not coordinated).

Kemi called me afterwards and we got into this deep conversation, a bit unlike us. She was telling me to be thankful for the gift of life and all. When she wan spoil matter, she said I should try stay at home and enjoy the company of my family.

Another red flag!

Why admonish me to stay at home?

For my mind, I was like your surprise don cast o.

Shortly after, Ayo (Kemi’s husband) called that he was coming to take me out on that day and I said I won’t be around. He said never, that I should cancel wherever it is I am going.

Now Ayo is the worst person to include in this. The same person that needs an annual reminder of my birthday calling that he wants to come take me out on my birthday. I just dey laugh. Ayo that sometimes forgets his own birthday is the same person calling me about my birthday this year.

“No ploblem! Kwantineeeew”

By now, I had started making a mental calculation of who else is involved.

“I’m sure Mariam is part of the plan. Maybe Amanda and Mosun as well, also Busola,” I thought to myself

I actually started suspecting everyone that called to ask about it this week. I remembered that Biola stopped by for no reason this week.

Most of my friends are not in the country but I think Bisi and Alinco might be part of the ‘surprise geng’ as well.

I reached out to the duo of Yewy and Tunri and accosted them the same way I did for Bolu. I actually made them understand I did not expect them to encourage any surprise bash knowing my stance on it.

“Well, I am not aware they are planning anything but if people feel you deserve to be celebrated, then let them do. In case there’s any plan, sha invite me o.”

For her mind, she don convince me say she no dey among the ‘coupists’. I yinmu for her

Now Yewy is my soul sister, although she can be a ‘wet pant’ sometimes (picks race). I ‘entered’ her straight and she did her face like someone that had been caught stealing meat from the pot.

“I am not aware but what’s the big deal if they are planning a surprise for you?”

Almost the same lines with Tunri.

“They can’t plan it without involving you and they know how I feel about celebrating birthday this time around”

I could sense her throwing up her hands in surrender.

“Oya oya you don catch me. How did you know though? I’ve always said that you’re a witch.”

“You guys should know I’m too nosy for such to happen right under my nose. I’m not just in the right frame of mind for a party at the moment, and I feel y’all planning this are close enough to understand why I wouldn’t want a get-together.”

I kept doing shalaye and let her understand that the photoshoot I did was because of Tiara, her daughter who is also my daughter. Las las, na DNA we go use settle the matter.

“I understand you perfectly and I’ll respect your decision. Let me know if you’re in or not.”

Yewy knew where to get me. Those last lines made me feel unappreciative of the efforts of my family and friends. By the following morning, I told her I’m in.

Surprise Planners 1 : Adetutu 0

Now, I am big on celebrating birthdays. Or let me say I was big on birthday celebrations. As a student, I ensured that I celebrated no matter my financial state at the time.

Things changed when I clocked 30. After that particular celebration, a few events that interfered with how I planned things changed the complexion of life for me. Still trying to get my life back on track after those occurrences.

I am left grappling with the after effects and I can easily feel “what’s worth celebrating?” However, I realize that I have been able tobsurmoint many challenges and I will share a more complete story with you all one day, hopefully sooner than later.

Back to me and Yewy.
“Now that you are aware, are you going to act surprised?” Yewy asked, adding “JB might come with the girls as well.”

“Waoh,that would have been a surprise though but now I don know. Don’t worry, I’ll get on with the act and feign surprise. Maybe I should get drinks and make small food for people coming.”

“That’s fine. Don’t cry sha o cos that will be too dramatic, and you can be such an annoying drama queen. If anyone wants to take you out, let them do (so Ayo, I’m waiting for you), and you don’t have to stress yourself over food or drinks, people will be fine.”

I took that to mean all arrangements about food and drinks have been sorted.

To be honest, I’ve done all the mushy mushy the moment I got to know about the surprise and peradventure I get emotional today, I want you all that put this together to know it’s from the bottom of my heart. I can never fake such but you see that surprise, I will surely fake that because I know 90% of the people coming already and the remaining 10% will only be a surprise. What may genuinely surprise me is if I get to see any of my diaspora friends or Fiwa and her husband. So I win y’all still.

Surprise Planners 1 : Adetutu 100

Consult me when next you want to plan a surprise for me tongue out

My plan was to write ’40 things I learnt in 40 years’ but now I’m writing something else no thanks to you all! Well, since I’m in the mood, I might just drop that as well.

Here’s to everyone that made this possible, most of you will def get to read this before the ‘surprise’ starts, I’m aware of your plans so una no surprise me but jokes apart, I do not take any of this for granted. May God celebrate you all as you have planned to celebrate me and may He give you all pleasant surprises and cause your mouths to be filled with laughter in Jesus name, Amen. I appreciate you all.

Again, the excitement I had when I started counting down seems to have disappeared but I have been able to put some things in context and i have snapped out of anything that can dampen my morale.

As I open the door to my 40th year, I will allow myself to be celebrated. The buzz is present. Bring my cakes; send me gifts, let me know how you feel celebrating my 40th with me.

I have had quite an eventful first 40 years, and I look forward to the next 80! Just like Job, all that I lost during the phase of my tests and trials will be restored in seven folds, or do I say in forty folds.

If you know my story, you will know that I am a WINNER, and I should celebrate. If you know my story, you will understand why I will not stay in the dumps and be pensive because I have not achieved some goals at 40.

Today, I celebrate, and I will continue to have reasons to celebrate. So bring on the surprise party, although I bursted the ‘coup plotters’ bubble.

If I ever cross your mind and you feel like praying for me. Please tell God to make me genuinely happy. That is my greatest prayer point.