FOR MY NOVEMBER 30 BABY, AND ‘BABIES’

See, Kiddo can pose ehn!

As today approached, that feeling of joy and happiness came again. Just so you know, we are so proud and happy to have you kiddo. Your arrival on November 30 some years ago ushered in untold joy for Mum and Dad, immeasurable excitement for Yinka and I and all manner of positives.

As a kid, he immersed himself in football. Nifemi wanted to play footie professionally. We all grow up, and with the growing up came the change in ambition

When folks say “this kid bro of yours is the finest among you all”, I smile. Those who know are not oblivious of how long it took you to join us. We wanted a sister and you came as another boy, that is why Dad called you Boluwatife. I still remember that Mom shopped for stuff for a girl child. The good looks you have is what I always relate with “the glory of the latter” which always “surpasses the former”.

Did i not mention something about being a ‘poser’, dude adds ‘photogenecity’ to it

When it has to do with family, I get very emotional. With you kiddo, I have no apologies remembering the days gone by. You are a blessing Nifemi. Days there were when we shared one phone and you as a ten year old saved up to buy yourself a phone only to give to Yinka. That was not one-off because you repeated the same thing with Mom. Those nice acts of yours mean you deserve to be spoilt when the need arises.

I don’t think you can hear enough of us telling you we are proud of, love and daily celebrate you. Words are what they are to some but in our family, you know every word spoken means exactly what it means. Our good words mean what they convey, they go far beyond paying lip service or ‘buttering up’ as one of my friends will say.

Happy birthday Pastor Wole, God’s blessings today and always

Greatness means you shared the day with a few other wonderful folks. There is Dr. Jumoke Ogunmola, one who has crossed the border of being a family friend to being a sister. Dr. Jummy, we love and celebrate you as well. There is Pastor Wole Dosumu, our cousin’s husband who has also at different times been more than just an in-law.

And you Dr. Jummy, your best days are here. Always an open toothed smile. Call her ‘she-smiler’

Happy birthday to you all November 30 babies.

As you add this year kiddo, go forth and make more impact. Know for sure that we solidly support you to scale heights which we have not reached. You can be sure however that you have people to look to as inspirational forces. We believe in your ability to make us prouder of you than we already are.

The challenge before you Oluwanifemi is that we are not resting, so aim higher than we ever will get.

Daddy calls you Bee Bee, he loves you.

Momma loves and celebrates you daily

You and YINKA did not get along from the start and you are now great buds, he loves you too and I can confidently tell you he does not joke with matters concerning you.

Here we do the brothers’ act as we celebrate kiddo. Best wishes brother

I would not be able to convey in words, all that I feel for you Knifey. I love you through and through, and I don’t ever think anything’s gon’ change that.

Happy birthday Kiddo.

We celebrate you Nifemi, and we celebrate as well, Dr. Jummy and Pastor Wole. God bless and keep you fam.

BEST MAN DUTY #12

BMD THIS WEEK IS DEDICATED TO LIL’ DANIEL OKUNUGA ON HIS FIRST BIRTHDAY. GROW AND FLOURISH IN GRACE DANIEL. GOD BLESS YOU SON

Read previous episodes…
BMD 1 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a1
BMD 2 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a4
BMD 3 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a8
BMD 4 on wp.me/p2tpoY-ag
BMD 5 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-al
BMD 6 on wp.me/p2tpoY-an
BMD 7 0n http://wp.me/p2tpoY-aB
BMD 8 on wp.me/p2tpoY-aE
BMD 9 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-aK
BMD 10 on http://wp.me.p2tpoY-aO
BMD 11 on http://t.co/iBy7olVFH9
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Time was favourable when I locked eyes with Cynthia at the wedding reception. It however stopped being my friend when she came back to sit and chat with me. I really cannot remember how long ago I thoroughly enjoyed time with someone; I mean time enough to shut the whole world out.
As I reminisced on the outing, and our first serious interaction after Sam’s wedding, I knew I had been struck by an arrow. We went straight to be with The Clan at The Meeting Point for the rest of that Saturday evening.
The boys noticed my unusual quiet and asked to know what was going on. The idiot that knew just told them “he’s tired, emotionally and mentally” and his fellow fools started laughing. I did not bother to dignify them with any response. I just continued with my chicken and chips and a bottle of water, no alcohol. While that was going on Cynthia’s face, her voice, her gait, her charming smile, her giggles and laughter were all replaying in my head while I sat with my friends. Our conversation on different facets of life conveniently ranks as the best I have had with a female in a while. Intelligent, humorous and factual while our flirting moved beyond the words we typed while chatting to body language: the light touches on the shoulder, the wink and needless smiles, the playful beatings…it felt like something absolutely new, and fresh, and different.
At home that night, I lay on the plush rug in my living room, refusing to switch on any bulb or electric appliance. Of a truth, I was not sure if it was real tiredness or the fact that I missed and desired what her company offered, or the secret desire that Queen could make me feel like a starry eyed teenager that was just crushing and having a very interesting emotional attachment to someone, the way Best Girl was making me feel.I knew I would not cook dinner again so on my way from the wedding, I bought sharwama. You would never find me mulling on Saturday evenings but I could not decipher what came over me.
“You had fun with that girl Dot, you sure did”
“I did man. I wish Queen can just gimme back the Queen I used to have”
“That’s yours to decide”
“Hmmmm”
Much as it seems crazy that I get to converse with my subconscious, it actually is fun. If you don’t try it, you will never know how interesting it is. He it was that reminded me of every detail of the interaction with Cynthia. How she smiled and grinned at every word I said, even those that did not sound funny to me; how she made sure talks in our pending chats came up; how she made sure our talk tended towards relationships and how she got me singing like a canary about my life.
I would be lying if I refuse to admit her superiority in maturity compared to Queen. Best Girl would relate without getting unnecessarily angry. She would not take out her annoyance and frustration with her daily life on me. Humility, modesty and a sense of calmness are all written on her features. What makes her trump Queen through and through is the fact that she would never dwell on her good looks. I teased her many times with “see fine girl” or “this pic of you is cute” or something more gratifying. She would merely respond with a smile or a simple “thank you sir”. I appreciate a sense of modesty and humility, calmness and level headedness in people, and Cynthia displays that on a daily basis.
Her sense of humour ranks where it really rocks. She would crack jokes, jibe at me and not flinch when I do the same. She would ask how my day was, my state of health, present activity and all of that. The minor details mattered. Femi once snooped in on my chat with her and told me what it meant to have this kind of calm girl as a partner.
“Dot, remember I told you Queen is in trouble? This your BG is really giving it a go man. Is she dating anyone?”
“Bro, she told me at the wedding that she’s seeing someone o. I really don’t know what she wants my brother”
“She’s seeing someone and is still getting so attached to you?”
“Who tells you I’m not equally attached to her”
My friend burst out laughing so hard. “When the koko master fall in love, nahin be say water don pass gari”
“Ode ni e jor. Did I tell you I’m in love with her? I am attached!”
“Pele o, stay there and be living in denial; be rationalizing. My own be say if she’s calm enough and would give you what you don’t have with the fine for nothing Queen, no dull”
“Haba! No dey abuse Queen nah. My mind dey with her through and through o, and I will fight for what we have”
I knew I was not so sure of what I told him. I was in a fix, the whole woman matter had of recent been a straight one between Queen and Cynthia. The other ones still found a way to stay in touch but I was hooked on Cynthia and Queen, or Queen and Cynthia, in order of reality.
***************************************
The approaching festive period meant I had to start planning what to give to a few people. Top on the list of course was my share of the money to be paid into the joint purse with my siblings. It had become a ritual of sorts to make sure we buy something for our parents every year and my position as the first son of the family meant I had a major role to play in deciding.
My two elder sisters had done what was expected of women of their ages. The first lives in Abuja with her hubby and two kids while the one that always said “I won’t live in Naija for anything” was based where she wanted to be, outside Nigerian shores. Kid brother lived with mom and dad in Ibadan, only visiting me in Lagos occasionally.
It was while I was thinking of what to suggest that we buy for our parents as Christmas gift that my mobile rang. It turned out to be my cousin.
“Heyyyy. How e be nah”
“Me? Bone you? Na you no dey relate like before nah”
“No o, sister didn’t tell me anything o”
“Wedding? When? This December ke? Where? Ib? Toh, I’ll get back to you”
He was calling to inform me of his wedding ceremony. My head flew, here’s Tokunbo who is barely a year older than me getting married while I was still picking and sorting. To make it all interesting, he wanted me to be his Best Man because the friend that was penciled down to take the role was on official training abroad, and the training would not have finished by the time the wedding would take place. I knew I could not refuse him but the first thing that rang in my head was the financial commitment.
“For God’s sake, December is a couple of weeks away now”
“Relax jor. God weydey cook never comot kitchen”
“You go dey ginger person with rugged faith as if you’ll come out of hiding to work with me”
“You want people to see double Dotun? I’m where I’m supposed to be, and you know it”
“If you say so sha. You better let’s pray together. At least you can stay in me where you are, and join the me everyone sees in prayer”
“Now yaaa talking, big head”
I just laughed, wishing I could walk side by side with the man in me with whom I always conversed. Next stop was The Meeting Point.
“I’ll call Tokunbo later”, I said in soliloquy as I locked the door of my apartment and made for my car.
********************************
Communication between me and Queen was thinning and we both knew it. Chats were few and far between, phone calls were not even the way they used to be, text messages seemed to be ages ago. The dangerous signal was that I felt no guilt and that was because I could not adduce any reasonable cause for the fights.
Sam it was that hit the nail on the head and brought me out of the denial in which I was living. He was Queen’s number one supporter, the one I always called “front row seat ticket holder” at her show. It all happened one evening during our chat when he asked after Cynthia.
“I see say you and Best Girl don dey carry one another put for DP”, he started. He was referring to the day Cynthia put me up as her Blackberry Messenger Display Picture with “Where’s my Johnny” as her Personal Message. I had not noticed because my Blackberry was switched off due to the fact that I was preparing a business proposal for a client.
“How you take sabi that 1, monitoring spirit?”
“You forgot she’s my wife’s friend shey”
“So na DorDor been tell u”
“No ode, na my second wife”
“There you go mr married friend. Wetin call for abuse nah?”
“The silly question wen u ask nko? Who else for tell me?”
“Still that 1 nor give u ryt to use your hand type nonsense nah, big head”
“Mak I tell u true, the babe get bobo o”
“Information Minister, I know. Me and am jus dey reason 1 anoda ni. Thanks for the breaking news”
“See idiot. I dey glean info for u, u dey abuse me. I’ll call your terrorist 4 u now”
“Effoff! Terrorist ko, shekau ni”
“To be serious, I dey try ask Dorothy if Cynthia’s in a serious relationship”
“Okay?”
“She said she’s dating but she can’t say how serious the relationship is”
“She told me too. But I’m not sure of the status. She sef nor sure”
“We’ll know soon. It would be a perfect love story if she manages to wrest your mumu button from Queen sha”
“You go talk one sense, then display your madness almost immediately”
“Stating the obvious Dot”
“Na u sabi”
We went on and on, moving into our business dealings after he made his point about Cynthia. I spared it a thought before he said it in his chat too. The possibility of me and Cynthia getting married would be a very good thing for love really, a perfect love story. The whole thing was however beyond me.
I had hardly ended the chat with Dotun when Queen’s phone call came in. considering how badly our communication had waned, it was a very welcome one. I keep saying there is something creepy about her. You talk about her, she calls; you are on a p-setting and she sends in a really romantic message. That is the hallmark of winshy winshy people. It was a short call to inform me she wanted to pick some stuff at mine in some days. Much as I tried to be yummy with her, she sounded so formal. A man would only try but when egos stand on the way of all efforts, there is very little one can do.
I could not remember having any disagreement to warrant Queen acting all formal but her mood issues are well documented so I let it slide.
“You guys promised so much and are delivering so little. I hope you won’t appreciate one another when this is over”
“I know right. You can attest to the fact that I am trying mate. I wish we just find a common ground. I wish things go the way they should, I wish…”
“Stop venting lover boy, que sera sera”
“And I don’t wanna give up without fighting”
“Relax man, just do what you know you should”
************************************
The day started on the most unexpected note ever. An early call from Sam informed me I had to face Port Harcourt in the next two days to tie some loose ends in our deal with one of our clients. The next thing that came to mind was not the business, it was Cynthia. I was going to Port Harcourt; I was going to Cynthia’s zone. All these things are falling into place at a time Queen was doing needless yanga for me. That was no good sign for us because the more time I spent with Cynthia on the phone and physically, the more attached I was sure going to become.Things were not looking up between Queen and me despite my many efforts and I was already in thoughts as to not push Cynthia away for Queen like I had done with others who seemingly were better than her.
“Don’t mull too much Dot. Enjoy the present with Cynthia and let things play out the way they have been destined to”
That was the assurance I needed. He knew how to tell me the right thing to do, and always did it the right way. Worrying would nothave taken me out of the woods but I did not want to start running from what I should confront.
“Still go and enjoy your PH trip first. Business, see your BG, and we take it up from there”
With that, I picked up my phone and dialed Cynthia’s number. It rang off the hook, something unlike her. I did the second time and got the same result. That was when I remembered that her duty roster, which I had become so familiar with, meant she would be at work at the time I placed the call to her. Next thing to do was to drop her a message on Blackberry messenger.
“My turn to be in your city BG. Due in the Garden City in 48”
Her response was instant, and led to the day’s conversation.
“Dot be serious. You’re telling me this because I missed your calls ehn?”
“Naaah.Im coming to tidy up another deal.Your prayers r workin, clients are doin well”
“Really? Am all shades of excited right now”
“You don’t wanna know how I feel now, very giddy”
“I’m off duty day after tmrw”
“I know, that’s why I’m telling. Just so u keep d day free for me”
“See u. pray there’s no emergency o. cos if there is, I may be called over”
“Make dem no do any ruff play o. I gotta c my BG again. Spend time with her, and have her mind druggin effect on me all over again”
“Washhhhhhh”
“I don’t do wash pretty, and u know that”
“We’ll see. Time will tell”
“Yeah exactly”
“Let me know how your movement goes”
“You’re gon’ b d 1st 2 kno, trust me”
“Brb”
That parole was setting itself already. The possibility of seeing a few weeks after the last meet-up was tantalizing. It was barely a month that we had a very memorable time at her friend’s wedding, and out of the blues another chance to meet up came.
I looked forward to the trip eagerly. There was the case of an almost closed business deal that needed just to be rubberstamped and of course, the meet with Cynthia to talk over lunch. That was an opportunity I would never allow to pass me by.
Sam it was that dropped me at the airport and waited till my flight was called. Big head gave me his parting words, a jibe.
“Feel free to see Best Girl after the deal has been sealed. Not before o”
“Repeat after me ‘I be mooo-mooo’”
“Dotun na mumu”
“Shame. I thought you’d have been treated by Dor Dor. Cynthia’s picking me at the airport you idiot. Oya begin go make I enter my bird abeg, you be bad market around here”
“Anyone can pick you like a lost pin in a haystack. Mine is that you should come back to Lagos with good news. Gaskiya”
We laughed, bumped fists and hugged the guy way. Each turned and went his way. I entered the plane and sat. Other co-passengers were settling in whenmy Blackberry vibrated and my heart skipped a beat knowing only a few, none of which I was in the right frame of mind to relate with, started their convo with me that way.
“Wia r u? I wan pick d stuff I told u abt doda time”
“You have the keys babe. Go pick ‘em things”
“Does dtansa d question?”
“what ?Be quick about this Queen”
“Wia u dey?Why d rush”
“I’m not home”
“I kno. I’m not wif my key and I nid u to come open d door”
“I’m outta town Queen, due bk this evng or tmrw”
“Hmmmmmm”
“What?”
“Nothing o. Shebi those babes wey u leave me dey run after can sha kno your movement”
“I’m not up for this convo sweets. Na u dey avoid me, dey sound cold, dey do like say I no matter. Everything arnd me don’t matter. I took a cue and started living d way u want”
“Hmmmm. Ok o. I no ask u to preach or explain how u dey live sha.Na my credentials I wan come carry”
“Ok mami. Ttyl before u begin rain insults for my head”
“U mean bizness o. u dey discharge me”
I chose not to read that last message and switched off my phones in readiness for the flight.
“You guys will sort whatever she wants when you’re back. For now, don’t let her prey on your mind. Go on your journey, make it a success in all ways”
“You rock man. Key word ‘all ways’ shey”
“You gerrit man”
“Gimme high five”
He spoke from where he lives inside me again, and he did it right. In my mind, I reclined and let the journey happen.
“Garden City here I come, Best Girl here I come”

BEST MAN DUTY #11

#BMD this week is dedicated to Opeyemi Olopade and Tola Abiiba on their birthdays today. God bless and keep you fam. Much love.
Have a fantastic time reading this…and don’t forget to use the comment box. To get new posts as they drop, please click the follow button…xoxoxoxo
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Read previous episodes…
BMD 1 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a1
BMD 2 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a4
BMD 3 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a8
BMD 4 on wp.me/p2tpoY-ag
BMD 5 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-al 
BMD 6 on wp.me/p2tpoY-an 
BMD 7 0n http://wp.me/p2tpoY-aB
BMD 8 on wp.me/p2tpoY-aE 
BMD 9 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-aK
BMD 10 on http://t.co/Yx0i0c0P2y **********************************************
Going back to The Meeting Point was not the best thing to do. Going home would get me into another round of thoughts. I was at that time driving past an area that held loads of memory for me. There was the case of Dele’s residence that used to be the slaughter slab for all of The Clan’s p-setting. Coded babes found themselves gracing the Maracana Stadium in the big head’s bedroom.
Dele is that member of The Clan whose womanizing is legendary. He had different ‘no strings attached’ and recruited more without fear. Undergrads, graduates, single mothers, desperate babes and all. He even had a police officer that I always called ‘Police girl’. There was the nurse, the bank worker, the lawyer and the civil servant. We would shout on him and call him names but he would say “what makes y’all better than me” in his croaky voice. He had a very unsexy voice but his good looks and charm always won the women over. How he did it remains a mystery.
“Dude, you go shag winsh one day aswear”, Sam once told him. He looked at Sam like someone whose speech was slurred from too many drinks then he burst into a loud uncontrollable laughter that drew the attention of people on other tables at The Meeting Point. The Philanderer, as Mike called him then answered by doing a cacophonic presentation of ‘All things bright and beautiful’, one of the hymns we sang in primary school. Do you remember that hymn in your S.O.P?
I impulsively turned into his street, passed his house and drove down to the end of the street, a close actually. I picked up my Blackberry and punched in “I’m at your gate”. A few minutes later, she came out of the building in whose front I parked. All smiles and giggles, and modestly dressed like her normal self, she entered the passenger’s side of the front door.
I expected a peck but she went for the big one. Throwing her hands on my neck, she hugged me close and kissed me very smoothly, not minding that there was the possibility of being seen by the security guard in her house and the adjacent one. After a few minutes of her lips doing wonders on mine, I broke the kiss to take some air.
Taiwo is another perfect kisser with whom I am blessed, okay let us re-phrase the sentence; ‘Taiwo is another perfect kisser with whom I was blessed’. Key word “was”. We never dated but a few things happened, and could still happen anytime either of us wanted.
“You didn’t say you were gon’ come around here today”, she started, seeing as I had withdrawn from the kissing posture. “I was expecting you for Sunday afternoon”.
“I wanted to surprise you ni Ejire”
“Who are you surprising? Is it not that you came to see that shameless Dele that won’t move out of his father’s house or your paroles changes. You have something else for Sunday ni jor. I know you too well Dot”
“Shey na me you wan yab, abi na Dele?”
“Have I not told you not to even call me Ejire again?”
“Oya mabinu arewa”
“Dot has sha become razz. What’s all these Ejire and Aresa or whatever you’re calling me nah?”
“You dunno beta thing. Even the non-Yoruba likes all the affectionate terms that put you off”
“Lemme abeg. We know your non-Yorubas, just spare me that jere. Where are we headed?”
She knew where we were headed but was trying to be her normal, lie-living person, and I neatly played along.
“We’re headed to the head office”, I replied and winked. She knew what the emphasis on the word ‘head’ meant.
She hit my shoulder playfully and I started the vehicle and moved. I had to drive at a slightly higher speed so no one in Dele’s house would see me and tell the dumb head. I knew he was not home but I had bragged not to come see this Taiwo babe again. The prevailing situation however meant I had to.
As I made to link the expressway and make my way to my apartment, Taiwo’s ‘headoffice’, my phone gave a text message notification. I picked it up to read immediately I saw who the sender was.
“I might have pushed you hard or frustrated you. It was not intentional Dotun. Plans changed for tomorrow. Momma wants me home for the wknd so I’ll come ova tonyt instead. 1-4-3-10”
I shrugged, smiled and sent a quick reply to her knowing how much of a show spoiler she could choose to be. The witch in her always found a way in whenever I was setting another parole. How that always happens remains mysterious.
“Not home yet. Went lounging with some other friends. I’ll pick you up at 9. 1-4-3-10”
You might be wondering what the coded numbers 1-4-3-10 stand for. Each means the number of letters that make up the words “I love you sweetheart”. ‘I’ is a one letter word, ‘love’ is a four letter word and that is how the rest goes. That is how creative Queen can be when she gets her act together and is not fighting me.
“Who was that?”. I did not bother to answer her because I knew I had to be quick with her and leave no traces of her visit.
While I was thinking of how wriggle out of the Taiwo issue, the tone of Queen’s message struck me. She would never directly apologize or say anything close to sorry. She just always continued from where things were before we had issues, preferring to sweep matters we should close under the carpet. That had been something gnawing on my mind. Why would someone refuse to apologize despite being at fault? Ego or what?
“Drive Dot. Set this p fast, tidy up and then come back musing”
I obeyed, looked into Taiwo’s eyes seductively and joined the semi busy road as she giggled again, one I was sure was in anticipation of what lay ahead for the evening.
******************************************
Spotting a white agbada with my short-sleeved buba underneath, my facial hair was well trimmed. My dressing and grooming were top notch, even for me. My fetish for wristwatches made me have five classy ones, each of which had cost me a fortune on purchase. I decided on the one I bought after Sam’s wedding, knowing Cynthia would not have noticed it on my hand. I knew I had to make a statement with my appearance and I spared nothing to make that happen.
“Dressed for the kill”, Femi said with a wink as he entered my apartment. “See fine boy of life. You’re sure some others won’t kidnap you before Best Girl sees you?”
He knew how to appeal to my vanities and wasted no time in getting that done always. He complemented everything from my hair cream to my perfume. I knew the big head was flattering me but I was lapping up the adulation, reveling in the sycophancy of my dear Femi. He would not tell me an absolute lie to make me feel good but he always was going to massage my ego. What I liked however was that he also knew how to call my bluff without taking prisoners.
Femi was dressed in his best tux, one he saved for special occasions. All my pleas that he should go the native way fell on deaf ears. The dumb head would never allow himself to be cowed into submission anytime; he always does his things his own way.
“Nearly everyone at the wedding would be dressed in native so why should I do the same”, he said when I queried his dressing. That singular action of mine even earned me a backlash from the smelly mouthed best friend of mine. He went as far as calling me overdressed telling me he wished rain would fall and mess up my well starched clothes. My friend is a non-conformist so I was not ready to try drag anything with him. I just made sure he dressed well, and was as striking as I was.
It was impossible for me to see Cynthia again on the day she flew into town because she was busy doing an all-girls evening with her friends. I was however going to make the most of the time we were going to have. Beyond all the flirting on chat, we would sit and look into each other’s eyes, and talk. The reality of that happening was very tantalizing.
Picking up my phone when it was time to set out, I dialed and she answered on the first ring. She was sounding very excited. We bantered a bit after exchanging pleasantries. The hymn that was being sung was all I needed to know that service was still in progress.
“I’ll soon be on my way to the reception venue. I have company o”
“You’re typically Nigerian Dotun. You got an invite to an event and you’re bringing an attachment”
“Its not like that jor. You want me to come and start looking around bored ehn?
“So what’s it like? I hope ’tis your babe you’re coming with”
“You’re not just pretty Cynth, you’re funny as well”
“Adonno what you’re talking about. I’m just expecting you and your babe”
The call was ended from her end and we got on the way immediately, factoring the insane Lagos traffic into our movement. That proved decisive as the minor delay we had was of no consequential effect. We still got to the reception venue before the couple and their train.
After securing the car, we started towards the main hall where the reception was to hold. First thing that caught me by surprise however was the thorough frisking of guests by the security guys at the door. I did not envisage that happening at all. Femi just stood by as the security guy carried out his duty on me, and his mate on a good looking young woman beside me. Femi made a comment about me being a terrorist that hid his weapon inside his agbada. Those around responded by either smiling or grinning, a few who I am sure have been starved of funny talk burst into laughter.
Entry secure, I notified her of our arrival and told her where we were seated. Just as desired, we got different glances in our direction by the array of beautiful ladies in the hall. Much as I like being around Femi, he never stopped being an embarrassment whenever he found himself in the midst of pretty women. I could look around with lust written all over me but Femi stared always in a way that made him look as if his eyeballs would pop out. I always found that repulsive. He was already shifting in his seat and tapping me to look at that ‘ukwu’ or “see those bad hips”.
“Dude, this babe is well rounded”, he said, cocking his head at another that passed in front of the table where we sat. I rebuked him at that point, telling him to look beyond his irresponsible staring and see the point that he was attractive himself with many of people giving us admiring glances.
“I wonder how you stay calm in these situations man. No dey bring me come this kind tempting place next time o”
That coincided with a beep on my phone. I looked and read the message. “She’s here. Let’s meet her outside”.
As I stepped out of the beautifully decorated hall, my eyes met hers at the side reserved for pictures. I swallowed and bit my lower lips.
“Boy this babe is cleeeeeeeean. Chai, see fineness”
She looked much more beautiful than the Best Girl in every way. She was a feet and more inches taller, accentuated her cream lace material with a red purse and neck beads that had a mixture of red and gold colours. Her headgear and ipele completed the touch of red on gold that seemed to be what the bride’s friends were all wearing. Coincidentally, I was wearing a red fila, the one from the last wedding I attended.
She looked like the well sculpted handiwork of the creator that she is. While the other had their make-up in excessively annoying quantities that made them look more barbie than human, the only thing I saw on her face was a light rub of powder. Her full lips had a modest application of red lipstick and an equally little application of lip gloss.
“The exact one you would crossover to kiss shey?”
I just stood there swimming in the stand-out beauty of the out-of-this-world stunning daughter of Eve whose eyes locked with mine. She was smiling, right at me. Truth be told, I did not know whether I was still standing on the ground, floating in air or sinking in her gaze. I forgot there was a Femi with me or a Queen that would have hit me back to reality if she were to be there. The different voices around me seemed to dissolve into pin drop silence.
Even my subconscious got in on the act. He did a Jim Carrey at that point and I was grinning at him. That guy in me had his eye pop out of their sockets for real and removed his lower jaw to roll out his tongue towards the pretty lady in a red carpet reception. While he was doing his somersaults and doffing his hat for the pretty one, I stood in one corner smiling and applauding him for the stunts.
Femi’s nudge and voice brought me back from the trance. “Is this not Best Girl? Damn, that babe is hawt!!!”
The only female to make me lose composure in a long time was standing a few metres away from me, smiling, and draining all common sense and energy from the fragile skeleton holding my body and housing my mind. I was beyond speechless; I was more of a muted man within that short period of time: seconds or minutes or whatever you choose to call it.
“Jesus, this is breathtaking. This is beyond normal. This is not a human being”
I was soliloquizing and the equally dumbstruck Femi was answering me as if I was talking to him.
“Didn’t know she’s this beautiful. Dear Lord Jesus, son of the living God”.
Then as if remote-controlled, she mouthed the word “Dot” and I smiled. She then started towards where I was standing, and I also started walking in her direction.
“What this chic does to you is out of this world man. See as your mouth dry Dotun. You don enter your own”
I did not answer the man in me. I just continued taking the steps towards Cynthia. Before I knew it, we were in front of one another and she had flown into my hands.
“I’m so thrilled to see you Dot. Wow, just wow”
We were the cynosure of all eyes at that point in time. Life would not get better. Time did me a favour and stopped running at that time. Femi was beside himself, smiling, grinning and just had this look of amusement on his face. So were the other aso ebi ladies. All eyes were on the two of us as we lingered in each other’s arms.
“Pretty Cynthia, we meet again”, I managed to say after disentangling from one another’s grip.
“Handsome Dot we do meet again, and you look as good as you did the last time I saw you. I saw you when someone asked me to look at those two cute, well dressed guys”
“Forgerrit Best Girl, you look heavenly. I was almost asking if it was you. You look absolutely different. The exact thing I told you I wanted to see”
Everything had returned to normal. I remembered Femi at that instant.
“Here’s Femi. You remember seeing him at Sam’s wedding?”
“Hi Femi”. She flashed her million watt, full toothed smile and shook Femi’s hand lightly. The mumu boy just stood there smiling like a puppy that was dashed a bone he could not break.
“You guys have a very good dress sense. I’m proud to have you as guests here”
“Thanks Best Girl”, Femi responded and beamed.
“You know if Femi can act this civil and classy always, he’ll always get game. Or wetin you think?”
“Sharap jor. Don’t come talking now. When I’m done here, we’ll have our time”
“Cynthia’s the name Femi, Best Girl is for the Best Boy”. We all laughed mildly.
“Let’s get a seat guys, I should dance in with the couple and join you in a few minutes”
She got a seat in a different place, a better place from where we were initially seated. That place looked like a fertile land in comparison to where we sat initially.
“Thanks for letting me do my Saturday here. I take back the earlier words I said”. I just smiled and twitched my nose.
“Yimu for you Famo. Drink in the sight of having many pretty ones around you man”. I was feeling like the boss.
“Ol’boy forget am. Its not about the women alone. This na wetin dem dey call party. Meanwhile, Queen gat work to do o, see as that Cynthia babe dey look like say she wan carry you go keep permanently. Like say you be trophy”
“Trophy ko, Satzenbrau ni. Whatever it is, don’t let your mouth bring Queen up in our gists here o. Make she dey enjoy her Mama side”. The big head just hit me playfully, with his “ashewo oshi” remark following.
“I can’t be by myself Dot. I gotta stay around so you don’t talk too much. Meanwhile, lemme go look around for my own chicalas. This na beta weekend wallahi”
“You no well. Sha no do any weyrey”
Femi brought me back from that short convo, he started talking about football. I needed that distraction to keep my subconscious quiet while waiting for the Best Girl’s imminent return.

HELL ALL OVER #2

HELL ALL OVER is a short story by Tope Lizbeth Adeagbo. The first of which was served last week. Here’s Part Two for your Friday enjoyment.
BEST MAN DUTY returns tomorrow.
Please enjoy today’s serving and use the comment box to tell us how you feel.
Thanks
*****************************
Few years back, she had asked her mum why she was sent to a boarding school and she had got the explanation that there was not enough time to tend to her needs owing to the nature of her mum’s job. Her doctor mother did not want to leave her with the maid most times due to the dangerous trend of in-house employees negatively influencing the children of their masters or mistresses. She adduced the reasonable point of not wanting her only child pass the night alone with the maid and the male house keeper when she had to be on the night duty.
Despite knowing what her mother was trying to guide against, Innocenta felt cheated, believing things would have panned out differently if she had a complete family. Imagine! She never even knew what her father looked like.
Most of the things she learnt about her dad, and even her mom were from her grandma. Grandma had done this so she could realize the extent of her debt to her mother who chose to keep her rather than have an abortion or drop her with her ‘useless’ father. She so wanted the girl to do well and behave herself as a payback for all her mum had suffered. Unknown to the old woman however, she was pushing her granddaughter down the path of guilt. All Innocenta saw in the stories were the fact that she was more of a burden. Not that she blamed those who told her those stories; it was just that they had given her a driving force, a self-motivational factor which had sort of turned her into a stiff collar among her peers.
She had in no way blamed her mother too, Innocenta only felt cheated out of a complete life. If not, why should she remain the only child of her mother? She was at an age when she questioned everything and she was doing it. Her diary was filled with diverse emotions and thoughts that could sink a ship. To worsen things, she had been so scared of relating with the opposite gender, and her sexuality was scaring the living daylights out of her.
She took her mind to the wedding, to each scene on that fateful day. She was so immersed in reliving the pain that tears almost spilled down her face. When she remembered that lady raising her hand that she was not in support of the wedding, she could hold it no more. Pain gripped her tiny heart and tears rode down her cheeks in triumphant accompaniment.
Though she would have loved to stay back as to be with her mum at that crucial moment, she had to return to school. Promotion examinations were to start soon and she had to partake and make sure of the expected progress. The thought of school however, made her shiver as she knew everyone in school would have heard the humiliating story. It was like her mum’s action had unwittingly dropped her back in hell, the hell she had previously struggled to escape from for five years.
She had felt like commanding the ground to swallow her alive rather than return to the school. Everyone at home was filled with pity for her mum and all they thought of was supporting her. At the end not an ounce of pity was left spared for her. Some people had even advised her to take good care of her mum. No one thought that peradventure she was suffering as much, or even slightly more than her mother. To them only her mother was a victim. But what of her, isn’t she more of a victim of a situation orchestrated by her mother?
Being in a school filled with all those rich and spoilt kids had not helped matters. The school had been buzzing with gossip about the infamous wedding when she got back. She even saw some students show themselves pictures from the wedding that were in soft sell magazines. She felt violated by the way they kept talking, pointing fingers at her and those horrible sidelong glances she had come to hate. It was pure hell, all over again.
How would she explain all these to Mrs. Lewis? That she was annoyed at everything and everyone for being denied a chance to grow normally? That there was that horrible fear of whether any man would ever love her without considering her background? Before the horrible incident, she had worked towards being made the Head Girl and Student President. This was a position for the best of the best student, which was deeply coveted by all students since their junior secondary school days. It was coveted because of the prestige associated and also because such a girl after her final exams would be given scholarship to further her education, wherever she desired.
Inno was selected with other prospective candidates and had taken two out of the three stages of required tests. The tests were necessary because most of the students were extraordinarily brilliant, and was done in stages as they disqualified candidates after each stage. However because of what had happened, she had not been able to concentrate on reading, neither had she completed her project. It was all so unfair, so unfair!!! She swallowed hard, forcing back the tears of self-pity that were threatening to spill again. Just then, Mrs. Lewis returned and brought sunshine to the gloomy atmosphere.
To Innocenta’s biggest surprise, the woman did not even ask her a single question. She only smiled and inquired if she enjoyed the meal. She even apologized for leaving her alone for such a considerably long time. Amazing still, the woman started chatting about things happening in the school. She spoke like someone sharing gossip with a colleague and not a troubled student but when they heard the sound of the bell, she told her to go. Inno was puzzled, puzzled but relieved all the same. She thanked the woman for the meal and silently left her office. Going back to the class, her heart became heavy once more, as she was sure most of her classmates knew why she was called into Lewis’s office.

BEST MAN DUTY #10

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BMD 2 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a4
BMD 3 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a8
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“Your dream will finally come true over the weekend handsome. I’m due in your city this weekend for the wedding I told you about”

I had mixed feelings as I read that early morning message on my phone. As excited as I was with the possibility of spending time with Cynthia as normal human beings, not that Best Man and Chief Bridesmaid nonsense, Queen had the weekend booked for her already. I liked how the previous day had ended; it was every man’s dream: Cynthia prayed for me, I got a deal wrapped and I made peace with le boo. It had been a while before then that things had fallen into place for me like that.

Sam also had good news for me as per our partnership. At that point in time, I knew the world was made for me alone.

“You actually don’t deserve it, shey you know”, the man in me quipped. I just shrugged in a ‘na-you-sabi’ manner. The next song that came to mind was one I heard many years ago when I was totally stuck on Fighting Temptations, ‘He Still Loves Me’. I knew I did not deserve the universe working in my favour but it was doing so and I was very grateful. I hummed the song as I got up and made my way to take a leak, knowing the day was going to start with me setting the parole for Cynthia’s visit, without Queen raising dust again.

“Morning BG”, I typed and sunk into the bed on my return to the room.
“What’s BG? Are you sure you are awake mister?”
“I won’t ever chat rubbish miss. BG is Best Gehl”
“Looooolz. See you, so Best Girl gets code named again. Renaming her isn’t enough for you”
“:D”
“Newayz, good morning. Your night?”
“Was good”
“Nicey. Did you see my first message?”
“I’m not yet blind Bartimaeus Mami. That’s the first message that dropped on my phone today. When are you due?”
“I’ll touch down on Friday mrng”
“I cld come pick u @ the airport”
“That won’t be a bad idea o…”
“Anytin to c n spend tym with u rocks. I esp wan’ c u outside that bridal train uniform”
“Hmmmmm. Wetin u wan see o”
“Oh c’mon Cynth, don’t be ridiculous. What else do I wan’ c outside what shld be seen? Abeg no rope me o”

The chat was getting interesting, office could wait, breakfast could wait, everything could wait, the time could even stop; even Queen, yes Queen the troublesome could wait.If anyone told me at the start of the year that I would be crushing on someone, I would have sworn for that person. Here I was however, Queen had stopped making me look forward to chats, she had stopped making my day. We spent more time arguing while all the lovey dovey periods looked like something from the very distant past in my life. Here was my Best Girl doing everything to show herself better than Queen.

I grinned as had now become customary, while we carried on discussing the terms of her arrival and how she planned to spend the weekend.

“I won’t mind u cuming to pick me up at the airport but I already told my friend whose side I’ll bunk at. We’ve not seen in almost nine months”

With that went the secret desire that I would be the one to welcome her to the Centre of Excellence but I had to make it seem like it did not get to me.

“Okies. Its no problem. So how’s we gon’ c?”
“The traditional wedding would be on Friday afternoon. You know how you Yoruba people do your tin nah”
“There you go again miss ethnocentric. Meanwhile ‘cum’ is ‘cum’ and ‘come’ is ‘come’. Stop spelling ‘come’ as ‘cum’. Thanks”
“Ashawo!!! What is cum. Your mind is just a trash bin I swear. Just leave all that your ethno whatever Dot. When I’m with Samatha, I’ll get you the address to her place”
“I like that trashy, perverted me, okay? So what’s u gon’ bring for the Best Boy”
“Just negodu, Matthew 7:7 darl and you gon’ have it”
“Which one is negodu again o Best Gehl of life? Pretty heads always have diff words coming from their good looking mouths”
“Negodu =look at you”
“Issorait o. I’ll consult my oracle and letchukno. It might be a tall order for you o”
“My maker is a God of possibilities”

I was carried away through and through by Cynthia. That was how mind drugging her effect was on me. I forgot my worries and challenges when we chatted. I noticed she still did not attempt to call me. Our chats would occasionally end abruptly but she would not call to know what happened. All she did was to simply continue from where we stopped.

“PING!!!”
“PING!!!”
“No Good mornings again abi? Your Zee and the rest don make you forget your manners ehn?”

Queen jumped into my chat again. If it was the way we ended the previous day it would have been a good one. I saw that she woke up on that terrible side of her bed again because even on days when I did not send her a ‘good morning’ message, she would do. If Queen starts chatting that way, I know better. After waiting for some minutes, I managed to respond.

“Morning lovey. Your brodas just restore light ni. You know we chatted far into the night ystday. Battery went with the chat”
“Hmmmm. The other phone is dead too abi? No good morning call again?”
“I’m sorry bae. Kisses”
“That’s how you always do. If na when lov dey shack you, na 5 am u dey call me”
“Those were good times Queen, times when u called me every time u went to pee at nite”
“What now happened? Was it not u that stopped making me do all of that?”
“How nah? U were always picking fights and won’t let it go on time. Life is too short for that nah”
“I hear u. nor start preaching to me biko”
“There u go miss pretty and rude”
“Wetin call for insult nah? Abi whats the meaning of preety and rude”
“My baby don vex again. Una vex reach to misspell pretty?”
“Dotun e don do. Bye”
“Chill nah. Is that enuf to make u storm off again? Na wa for u o”

Her short fuse got lost again, and she flew into her fit of anger. Used to her needless anger, I just switched the chat over to Cynthia.

“Babes, I gotta go now. The city calls, lemme go make some money to host the BG”
“Hehehehe. I can’t wait to see what he has for me o”
“Who’s the ‘he’?”
“The ‘he’ that is asking me questions nah, the same ‘he’ that I’m answering”
“You ehn! I’ve not forgotten Matthew 7:7 o”
“I await the request young man. Now go”
“Its not always easy leaving you ni”
“Where? It’s a virtual world baby boy. Go and live in the real world”
“I’ll count 48 hours and the virtual gon’ turn real. Yessssssss”
“You know right. Ttyl”

I smiled again,this babe would chat without any silly shorthand or grammatical blunders.

“That’s why you like chatting with her nah. Or is there something else?”, my loquacious subconscious started again. I smiled and told him to “shut up”.

*************************************************

To get one over Femi, the one everyone calls my partner in crime, I informed him that Cynthia was coming to town and had already invited me to the wedding she was attending. Remember he was the first to mock me for letting the gift of my Best Girl slip through my hands. I ordinarily would attend alone but I wanted to show off. I also needed company around me in case things did not go the way I envisaged. With him around I was not going to be bored. Dude could not believe what I told him.

“You mean Best Girl is coming to town cos of you”

“Sure man. Na me for go pick am for airport sef but hustle no gree me chance”

“I knew something’s up when all you would talk about was Best girl, when Queen’s attitude did not bother you again”

“How I for do nah? We’ll storm the wedding together o, and Sam must not know. I no dey carry am along for the whole parole”

“I really wish Queen can just couple, make she do normal”

“My Queen, my iyawo olele. Today fight, tomorrow play, I don taya bro”

I knew the kind of secrets Femi would keep. I was very sure no living creature would hear from his mouth. There and then he informed me that Sam was going to be away with Dorothy for the weekend. That guy sure knew how to enjoy life. That was when I understood what DorDor’s “get away with le boo” countdown on her Blackberry was about. That meant Sam was himself too busy to share the weekend with us. Femi did not need to tell me were going to attend the wedding together, I knew how our unsaid agreements were.

I did not stay long at The Meeting Point that evening. Uncomfortable after the disagreement with Queen in the morning, I needed to look for a way to appease the ‘god’ that she had become. I headed to her to make peace. The arguments were draining me emotionally and mentally, and I had the sensible part of me reining me in despite the increasing attachment to Cynthia. Queen was leaving a very yawning gap with her attitude and Cynthia was making inroads through the gap.

We could not sustain chats for long without arguing, we could not talk for long on phone without turning it into a shouting match. She it was that pushed me out again. I did not have the plan to misbehave despite my tendency to do so. After years in the wilderness trying to get someone to throw my love on, she strolled in and re-arranged my turbulent life. I remember asking her if she was in for the long haul; if she was going to be forever near or leave me like the setting sun.

She it was that talked about my former girlfriends been Vashti, she said she had come to erase their memories. She acted true to her initial promise, making the pains of the past look like something that never happened. It was that way for the first year till she started showing a different side of her. She would nag and take out her official frustrations on me. She would insult me, saying all sorts of unprintable things if I tried to point out some wrongs.

I tried hard to cope with her attitude and the arguments, seeing them as teething problems associated with relationships and hoping we would overcome the initial challenges but nothing changed. I laid my ego and pride on the line to make things work but Miss Beautiful had an ego bigger than mine.

I kept reminiscing till I got to her gate. Deciding not to drive in, I hailed the guard who fortunately was outside the compound. The information I wanted was that she was inside and that he gave after I parted with the regular two hundred naira ‘gate fee’.

I rang the door and she answered in her happiest tone ever, one that had become strange to me. The sound her slip-ons made on the tiled floor as she walked to the door was music in my ears. For all her wahala, babe is a power dresser. She opened the door to meet me smiling and opening my arms for her to fall into. Queen just looked at my mumu looking smiling face, held the door open and walked back inside. I gradually dropped the hand to my side and followed after her. The place looked as elegant as ever.

“This young lady would make your home look like paradise”

“That’s not why I’m here, so shut the hell up and lemme concentrate”

The aroma of the frying goat meat found its way from her kitchen to the living room. Whenever Queen fries goat meat, spaghetti and that wicked sauce was sure going to follow. I miss her culinary skills wallahi. After waiting for ages and she did not come out of the ‘food factory’, I went to meet her and tried to get her back on side after the disagreement we had in the morning. Characteristically, she shunned me, just making the annoying ‘hmmm’ sound each time I spoke. She would not say a word despite the “I’m sorry” and “we can be better that this” that I said severally. I was getting pissed already and left for her living room. I had barely sat when I had a call on my Blackberry. It was strange because those who had that number were not up to ten in number. I answered trying to sound as casual as possible.

“My flight is due in Lag by ten in the morning. We can see tomorrow”.

I could not believe my ears. Cynthia called me for the very first time.

“Make sure you don’t forget your manners next time Mami. Good to have you ring me for the first time ever. Good evening”

“You sound exactly the way I expected you to. See you tomorrow Dot”

“Thanks a lot”

I ended the call as she was coming out of the kitchen. I knew she was going to ask who called so I steeled myself against any disclosure.

“You won’t ever be able to say who it is. You walk to come and let’s make peace and you’re there answering different calls”

“Queen haba! Can’t I receive calls without having to explain to you again? You wanna be my Secretary without pay abi? I’ll employ you. By the way, how many calls have I received since I got here today?”

“Me I know for you? Did I not hear you flirting with whoever it is?”

“Who was I flirting with? Your impatience is driving me crazy. I can’t even understand where this you came from. You’re a better person than this”

“See Dotun. Yaa just talking story in English Language”

“You remind me of that song about the wife who plays today and fights tomorrow. I wonder what will happen if we don’t have issues in a week”

“Remember or remind anything. Whether na song or poem, its your kettle of rotten fish”

“Stop all these Cynthia. Stop it”. I goofed, and I knew there was going to be full scale war

“There you go dumbo. Why mention Cynthia at a time like this? Why”.

“Ohhhh, na Cynthia now abi. I was wondering now. I’ve been thinking and asking myself how it happened that you could abandon me for so long. Tell Cynthia or whatever it is that the hoe answers, I won’t let her in”

“You are not sane Queen. You just are not normal. You have this way of frustrating my life to get me making mistakes I should not. I’m not dating anyone besides you”

“You’re not dating them boyfriend, you’re shagging them and putting me at risk”

“I’m not sleeping with anyone. I’ve been clean since you raised dust the other time”

I yelled at her, picked my keys and walked out. She stood there watching me go, knowing she had pushed me beyond my elastic limit. She would never say sorry, she did not have to. I goofed, gave her an opening when I should have made her feel guilty, and I was ready to not stand down if this was going to get her start thinking I was going to leave her.

“Botched mission Dot. Sorry man”. My subconscious hugged me tight from the inside as I took my leave.