BEST MAN DUTY #7

Read previous episodes…
BMD 1 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a1

BMD 2 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a4

BMD 3 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a8

BMD 4 on wp.me/p2tpoY-ag

BMD 5 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-al 

BMD 6 on wp.me/p2tpoY-an 

Thanks for reading, and please use the comment box below…xoxoxoxo

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Some things in life happen that return calm to troubled waters. These things return ease to unease and bring a hopeful kind of feeling when things seem not to be moving the way we want. They bring a fresh breath of air and a needed sense of redirection. These same things just give one a sort of much needed distraction from the issues one face, some of which are avoidable.

Before I start all the motivational crap, let me whisper to you that Best Girl sneaked right back through the channel I expected to reconnect with her when I was not even watching or looking. I am the one who is virtually married to my smart phone, always chatting, reading, sending and receiving mails, playing games, and doing virtually everything on it. The first chat I had with her however revealed that we were not on the same page in that regard. She claimed not to “really like the strenuous exercise of typing, especially on a phone”. That did not sound or look good, at least to me.

The problems with Queen and the lull in business had affected me so much that I did not give Best Girl the attention I really thought I would give her whenever we got the opportunity to reconnect. I was engaged with just the major activity of getting my business back on track. I dedicated all of myself to that so much so I forgot about my woman issue. Despite that, she had enough in her tank to always initiate the conversations. Of course the nights were not pleasant because whenever I was alone, I stared at the ceiling, counting both horizontally and vertically as if the solution to my disturbances lay there.

For all of my efforts at sanity and attempt to stay chaste, Femi was always lurking in the shadows like the serpent that deceived Mother Eve. He arranged forbidden fruits to bite and taste, and I gladly did the biting and tasting. There were hangouts and outings, and I followed just to forget my worries. He noticed the shine was off my face at different times and asked what the problem was each time. I just told him it was work related, leaving matters of the heart out of the equation.

Sam’s workload was reduced so he had started joining the clan on his way from work. He was more or less my present hope as the partnership with him was starting to generate small income. I knew I could get some quid from him despite the fact that we had to still save the earnings to increase the capital base. It was on one of the evenings that the whole clan knew what was wrong. It was that evening that Queen was demystified. I hate what alcohol does to the system, a few bottles and the usually calm Sam was singing like the ibaka bird. You see why I call the big head an idiot?

He had called me severally and I had not answered. I was seated with them physically but my mind had sailed far away. My thoughts were a raging storm – business, work, life, love, Queen. They all came at the same time, heavy tidal waves attempting to drown my soul.

“Dot, you don forget your ears for that your ashawo village wey you dey patronize ehn?”

It was the silly Farouk that tapped me to bring me out of my reverie. I must have been hearing their voices without being with them. I looked at Farouk and he pointed to Sam.

“Wetin?”, I replied keeping a straight face.

“Emm-You-Emm-You na hin you be”

“Your papa na mumu”, I retorted. “Wetin bring this abuse nah?”

“Nor be here you dey when I don call you taya?”

“I didn’t hear ni nah. Is that why you are running your bacteria infested mouth calling me mumu when you are the senior mumu here, and the fat bald headed man wey sire you be the most senior ode”.

I went in really hard and I knew it because Sam went silent, looking at me from the corner of his eyes. If I would yab any member of the clan, I never wanted it to be Sam but he bit more than he could chew forgetting how caustic the tongue of someone who grew in the ancient city of Ibadan can be. Femi and Farouk got into fits of laughter.

“Don’t I just love it when the two of you are against one another?”, Farouk said with tears in his eyes. I looked at him and smiled. He did not know what was coming next. My worries were almost forgotten as I had taken on the role of the chief abuser for the evening.

“Wetin be your own? You won’t shut that trap under your nose abi?”, he continued laughing.

“Rook, please fix me one fish make I help you yab the married kid”. I was teasing the fool and he was smiling sheepishly while Sam ignored me, pinging away.

“Na only fish? A bottle of your fav nko?”

“Add am join. You don dey get sense o Rook”

Femi finally found his voice after laughing hysterically at the way I took Sam down.

“Na una fight go bad pass. This one that you have suddenly become jolly good fellows”. He was referring to the rare togetherness between me and Farouk. We all laughed as Farouk made the order for the barbecued cat fish and drink. I stood as if remote-controlled.

“Oh ye gods who hold sway at the Meeting Point, hear my supplications and put to shame the fool who thinks he can come between me and Samo because of a thousand naira fish and drink. Let his sense open wide enough to see the big picture and his epic failure”.

Sam burst into his own fit of laughter as Farouk’s look changed from amusement to the exact opposite. I did not however know I struck the wrong nerve in Sam when I spoke earlier. He hardly allowed me to sit before getting up to say his own prayer.

“Living gods of The Meeting Point, I beseech thee in thine awesomeness, that thou shalt touch the nincompoop I used as my best man”. Farouk burst into laughter, the fool always rejoiced when I was down. Femi joined in and those on the adjoining tables also joined, laughing like deranged people who had overdose of laughing gas. Sam waited for the laughter to subside before resuming – “ye gods of The Meeting Point, let the Best Boy use his head and take the gift of the Best Girl you have given him. Let him not stay stuck with Miss Trouble, the one whose royal name is of no value to the commoner”.

I sat rooted to the same spot while I was the butt of their jokes for the first time in a long while. I took it in my stride but the wind was out of my sail already. While they were making jest of me, Queen pinged.

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The witches that were after me made sure my blackberry battery went low when Best Girl’s chat message came in. I would have called her immediately but there was no way because my big head had not thought of having her give me her phone number since we started chatting steadily. For someone who said she was not really friends with her phone, getting to chat for long hours would be an accomplishment.

Queen had buzzed me before I left The Meeting Point with the clan but the jokes and jest I was subjected to because of her made me refuse to read her message. However, Best Girl’s message came in after Queen’s. I made to reply only for my phone to give me the “battery too low for radio use” message.

Only Sam knew I was getting my daily dose of attention from the Best Girl and that was why in his semi-drunken state, he laid my love issues bare for the world to feast on. It was his sure way of taking his pound of flesh from me. I always told him and the rest that with me, yabis had no boundary. While I would not go on to expose issues, I would take anyone down with the way I would say what I had to say. Sam and Farouk on the other hand fought dirty, saying what they should not so as to score cheap points. Blame not the two young men who are stuck with the brain of five year olds, it gave them a sense of victory

Memories of the interesting evening came to a grinding halt same way my car did as I hooted for the security guy to open the gate. As if under a spell, I picked my blackberry and ran into my flat to plug it in before remembering that I left my car unlocked with my computer and a few other valuables inside. I dashed out again to gather the gadgets and cash in the vehicle and while making my way in the almighty electricity people took ‘their’ light. The next option was to switch on the generator but before then, my laptop would be a very good power bank. I was not going to let the chance to pay more attention to the Best Girl in our chat pass just like that.

It pained me to be the butt of crazy jokes at The Meeting Point and I vowed to do better with the other women, either with physical or with virtual presence. To start with of course was the game I had in my hands but was not really looking at, Cynthia the Best Girl. I had been given the chance to do as I deem fit with myself as the ‘Queen of the manor’ had gone on exile and only pinged to “just check on you” in the last few weeks.

Hitting my knee cap on the door frame and having the files I was carrying spill its contents on the tiled floor was better than having my laptop and tablet drop on the hard floor. I honestly would have shelved everything that night to go for deliverance in any Church if either gadget had fallen down because that would have confirmed that Queen had sent her fellow witches to haunt me unto destruction.

I plugged the phone to the laptop and powered it on. My blackberry’s LED started the on-off-on-off blinking, draining the charge from the laptop to itself, slowly but steadily. While that was on, I went into the kitchen to make myself a quick fix of oats, to go with groundnuts. Something light after all I had at The Meeting Point. At that point I missed Queen again because I would at least have had something to warm in my refrigerator. I was however not going to beg her, definitely not now.

Settling with my warm mug of oats and groundnut in a ceramic plate, electricity was restored. I switched on the fan giving me some breeze and the pay TV showing an old football game, I powered on my blackberry and responded to the Best Girl.

“Hello pretty J”
“Thought you were avoiding me”
“Haba! Why wld u think that way??? I’ll be crazy to pass up the chance to chat with my Best Girl who despite not being friends with her fone has hollered. Rare chance many won’t get J ”
“Hmmmmm. Best Boy can just chyk somebody sha!!!. I was wondering ni cos you haven’t been quite chatty for someone who says he’s a super chatter”
“You better don’t mind me. I haven’t bn settled ni o”
“What’s goin on with you? You good?”
“Sure, sure. Office matters, darzall”
“Office matters alone? Talk to Mama”
“Loooooooolz. *looks under my Chair* Wherz the Mama”
“Me nah. You think I’m not qualified”
“Me think? As long as a woman wears her diapers monthly and has fat swellings in front, she’s a Mama truly”
“You ehn! Which one be monthly diapers again”

The chat was interesting, and I was already starting to multi task, checking my twitter timeline when my phone vibrated with an annoying PING!

I checked to see that it was Queen, and I tried to converse as normal as possible. She knew I hated that PING! but would do it on purpose severally. I carried on the chats with the two and some others. Life was good, worries forgotten.

“I should take your digits so that I can call you one of these days”, I hit the ENTER button and typed the second message “When are we seeing? Been a while, you know”.

Both messages landed on the wrong phones, and I would have rented Farouk to slap sense back into me. I choose Farouk because I never want to see him gloat over me but I knew my crass display of carelessness meant he won that right. Knowing there were explanations to make, I got up to a take a glass of water from the dispenser.

Why in God’s name did you have to make that kind of stupid mistake for God’s sake

My subconscious tore into me as I walked back, thinking of a way out of the fresh problem I just created for myself

FA! (For Wale Fa)

MC Wale Fa strutting his stuff in Church

“Who is this guy that is always cracking rubbish jokes sef?”
That was the question I asked when I saw Wale some seven years ago. To put it mildly, I did not like him at all. Yes, you read right: I DID NOT LIKE HIM AT ALL!!! He talked too much, BIG MOUTH like him. The only thing I know about him was that he came out of nowhere and became the name on every lip in Church, they called him ‘Wale Fa’, and everyone seemed to like him.
I asked why they call him that ‘lousy’ name and I was told it is because he adds the word ‘fa’ at the end of every verse of a very popular praise song then.
“e ba mi p’oruko re (fa)
Emini ti n’je emini (fa)
Oloruko nla (fa)…”
How we started getting close is one thing I honestly cannot remember at the moment. We just got close, we sha became buddies, and I can call him one more brother.
I have been blessed with my fair share of ‘Wales’ from my childhood. My first cousin who was more or less my second dad is a Wale, AdeWALE. There is the Wale with whom we had SeWa Productions (Se from Seye and Wa from Wale), that is AdeboWALE. There is the Wale that is my BFF, the one that has been my right hand person since Primary One. He is OlaWALE. He is the same Wale with whom I have become brothers, some even suggested that we are gay. That’s laughable, considering a lot of ‘ungay’ things we both do. Each Wale is unique to me in his own way.
Wale Fa is another OlaWALE but he is more WALE FA than OlaWALE. I know of people who lead lives of sacrifice and I can confidently say Fa is one of them. The big headed birthday boy of today will sell his comfort at no cost to make others feel comfortable. I have seen him do that many times and I wonder why he is just like that. On this occasion of your birthday, I ask that your sacrificial deeds shall be rewarded by the Almighty.
Being acquaintances with you over the last few years has been a very wonderful experience man. With you around me, I can say someone’s got my back. I could relax millions of miles away and trust you to get the job done. That’s how wonderful you are Wale. As you add this year mate, God will send angels to lead your battles.
In Church, Wale Fa is the ‘go-to’ guy to get many things done. I don’t know why everyone thinks he can get whatever they want done but he seems to get that done nine and half times out of ten, sometimes at great cost which he downplays. A very likable personality and one that has earned the trust of difficult and very detailed persons. This new year of yours will birth great things and dreams will come true for you in Jesus name
When I see the way this acquaintance that has become a friend puts his own issues aside to sort other people’s, I know dude’s a blessing. Fa has a way of working himself off to make sure people are happy. That is something worth emulating. Your good deeds are seeds you have planted Wale, you will live long enough to reap them by the grace of God.
He has built the Yesplanet brand over the years. He would arrange customized tops for programmes in Church to great success. There is the part of him that is called MC Wale Fa, compering events in different states of the federation with great effect. The times when he has had to anchor events and shows for almost free and peanuts without compromising on the standard of his delivery have given rise to now when he is well sought after. You are the reason many laugh Wale, you will continually be a source of joy to the world you live in. Laughter will not cease in your life my dear friend.
We have grown from being friends to brothers and we share very intimate details about one another. While taking stock one day, Wale said he wants to be a better family person. He told me he has not done well on that front. Today, I see him on the way of that so much desired improvement. My pal is doing much better on that front now, with loads of room for improvement still *winks.
As you add this year mate, I pray for you from the depth of me that all your heart desires shall be granted. I wish you as big and wonderful things as I wish myself, and as you wish yourself. You will always be the reason the world you live in smile, chuckle, grin and laugh.
Please help celebrate this wonderful young man while he still walks tall (in his short frame) among the living. I choose to celebrate you while you can read this. Like you told me a few days ago, “may we never know the value of one another”. I celebrate you friend, I rejoice with you, and I have told you to your face times without number, I LOVE YOU MAN. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATE, GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU

Chatting away at a wedding

my two good pals catch a joke after Wale handled a wedding reception in August (Lagos)

BEST MAN DUTY #6

CONGRATULATIONS TO ANU AND SAMMY AS THEY TAKE THEIR VOWS AND LIVE AS ONE FROM TODAY. HONEYMOON UNENDING AND LOVE DAILY RENEWED BY THE GRACE OF THE ALMIGHTY

Read previous episodes…
BMD 1 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a1

BMD 2 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a4

BMD 3 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a8

BMD 4 on wp.me/p2tpoY-ag

BMD 5 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-al 

Thanks for reading, and please use the comment box below…xoxoxoxoxoxo

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I looked at Queen’s sleeping form and smiled. Oh, my Queen, the paragon of beauty at whose sight heads turn and men drool. She never stopped making me giddy with excitement when I reminisce on her impact in my dramatic life. This morning was no exception.

She lay peacefully, like a baby without a bother in the world. Despite the very bad argument we had the previous night, her hand hung across my chest. No matter how heated our regular disagreements, she would hold me tight whenever she slept over as if something or someone was going to steal me away.

Much as I have come to appreciate what Queen means to me and how she has steadied the turbulence in my life, there was the nagging issue of regular disagreements. We hardly stayed a week without arguing. It was either her short fuse getting lost, my attention to detail pissing her off, her vanity irritating me, my stance on issues annoying her or other flimsy things.

Of course, top on the list of the reasons for our issues was the very many Eves around me. She refused to trust me despite the fact that I had at different times taken the pain to explain what each of them represented at different points. There were those I met while trying to get clients in ‘the line of duty’, there were some I met based on referrals, there were others into whose hands she drove me herself, and there were those ones that came with baggage from the past. She just would hear nothing of me and any other woman. I could not disconnect with every other female because of her when we had yet to take vows.

If the creator chose to bless me with a bevy of beauties in looks, brain, brawn and attitude, who am I to reject them? They abounded in different zones: the shag to paddy zone, the no-strings-attached zone, the just-friends zone, the ‘I-appreciate-our-friendship-but-will-not-hesitate-to-shag-you’ zone, the go-away zone and others. Queen was in a zone of her own but my baby would just not see it.

“I no wan see any of them around you. I wanna have you all to myself”, she would say but will never stop fighting me. I have asked myself countlessly why I stay around the good looking hot head. She would not know but she already made me cut down on my excesses with women. I had less time for women and was already putting her on my blackberry display picture with different PMs. There was the “Queen of the manor”, there was “Empress”, there was “buttercup” and many others among the names I used as my PM while she reigned on my DP. I was getting a few jealous teases from people, especially those ‘zoned’ babes and those from the past but I was proud and happy to finally flaunt one that tickled me where the others had not.

She stirred and I looked down at her from where my back  rested against the bed post. Slowly she opened her hazel eyes, the beautiful eyes in which I have drowned. I had never seen a female who looked so beautiful upon waking. Physically, Queen is stunning, and I can say that again and again without  fear of contradiction.

“Whether na wetin dey affect my head be that sef”, I mused as I smiled and cleared my throat – “Good morning pretty head”. She looked at me, then got up and went into the bathroom without saying a word. I smiled and looked at my bedside clock as I got out of bed to put on my old baseball jersey, the same one whose exact female version she wore whenever she was in my house. She came out of the bathroom and sat in front of the huge mirror I placed in the room because of her.

“Queen”, I called. She turned to face me with a “what do you want?” expression. I sighed, paused for a few minutes and spoke again. She was still bitter about the issue of the previous night.

“What exactly do you want to hear after the explanation I gave you? I told you Zee’s one of the folks I met at Sam’s wedding in PH”. She rolled her eyes and continued dabbing the cotton wool in her hand with the face cleanser.

“How did you find out there’s a Zee somewhere sef you troublesome young woman?”. I was losing my cool. If there was anything I hated, it was being ignored. It disgusts me to speak to someone and get no response. She knew it and would keep doing it if I did not start ranting.

“Dotun leave me alone”, she spoke, a notch slightly higher than normal, and got up. I stood right in front of her and tried to hold her hand but she shook me off – “I said leave me alone you this man. Something else dey am?”

“Don’t you ever shout at me”, I spoke with annoyance. It was not the first time I was telling her to not shout at me. She maybe saw the anger in my eyes and calmed down a bit. Her petulance still bothered me as she turned away, sat,  hissing and soliloquizing.

“Shameless he-goat. That’s why his business has been slow of recent. Imagine leaving me and going after different silly girls as if I deny him anything”

I drew her arm roughly as the annoyance in me threatened to boil over.

“My business going through a lull is none of your frigging business if you won’t support me. You stalk me and I let it slide; you insult me in public and I don’t complain; you won’t gimme the needed rest of mind and want me to be creative enough to do other things apart from business”

“Leave me Dotun. You’re hurting my arms that way o!” She was struggling to get away but I did not let go.

“Do you rough handle your hoes this way?”

“Queen!!! Are you mad??? Where you see ho?”

“You left for Port Harcourt with two-seventeen BBM contacts, you returned with two-eighteen. You think I wouldn’t find out who the new one is abi? You have failed at your game big head”

“You nor dey shame? You dey stalk my phone looking for an increase or decrease in my BBM contacts? Keep looking o, you go soon find wetin trowey for your hand. Ode oshi”

With that I let go of her arm and left for the living room. If I did not leave that room, I cannot predict what I would have done.

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The day went by really fast. I did not plan leaving the house all day but the grand argument with the troublesome young woman I call my girlfriend left me seething and I knew I had to go somewhere if I was going to maintain my sanity. I have at many times questioned why I keep hoping Queen will change but she has not just shown that sign at all.

After our shouting match, I had left the room to recline on the living room couch. Only a few people make me lose my cool and Queen is one of them. She however knew how to get me back in the right frame of mind. Much as I love her, I would not go ahead and marry her with that kind of attitude. The next thing she did was to pick her stuff and walk out of the house without saying a word. It was mixed feelings as I saw her take a walk. Part of me wanted to go after her and talk her into a reconciliation but the other part knew I had to let her go.

Shortly after she left, I drifted into a well needed sleep that was interrupted by my ringing phone. Seeing the number, I knew it was Sam. That was my cue to look at my blackberry, the one Queen always called her rival.

There were unread pings and emails, lots of them. Expecting some clients to reach out to me, I rubbed sleep off my eyes and sprang up. I needed to recoup part of the money spent at the wedding and pay some bills. Somewhere from deep down however, I wished there were messages from Queen and the one babe that was starting to fade from memory, Cynthia, the one I call Best Girl.

The trouble Queen put me through overnight and in the early part of the day was not enough for me to not to have the Best Girl stray into my thoughts again. I still longed to see and spend time with her. Pretty, with the kind of full smile that would drain any world class athlete of stamina. Funny thing is Queen is equally stunning, if not better looking but I do not know where the pull to the Best Girl came from.

My phone rang again and I answered without looking at the screen. The familiar way in which the person spoke made me do what I should have done initially; look at the caller ID –  Zee. I tried to be normal during the call but the fact that she was the reason Queen started trouble did not make me flow with her. She noticed this and asked what was wrong but I was not in the mood for familiarizing. I feigned sleepiness and had her end the call with a promise to call back.

I picked up my blackberry device to read my pings, when I realised the cause of her call. I smiled, put down the phone and went to take a shower. I had to get out of the house and get my head into something better than matters that had to do with the opposite gender.

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Days had rolled into weeks and Best Girl was forgotten. Zee however kept asking for a ‘proper’ meet-up in Lagos which she got effortlessly. Queen had abandoned ship and was only pinging to stay in touch. She would not answer calls or reply pings on time. It was just casual “hello, good morning” and “hope your day was fine, goodnight” messages we exchanged. Things were breaking down really fast, cracks were evident and there were those who were ready to take advantage of these cracks. Each time I asked to see her, she always had an excuse. This made it easy for me to have time for the ‘reserves’.

I became a regular at our hangout bar. I would close from work and go there straight to avoid being alone. I used to taunt the clan, calling them ‘sons of the bottle’ but I had to hang with them since Queen would not give me the time we used to have. She either gave the “I’m closing late” or “I have Church programme” excuse. Other times it was the “I’m not feeling good” or the “I’ll be away on official duty” excuse. I missed her a lot and reached out severally, efforts that were futile.

Sam did not frequent the hangout anymore. Femi and the clan said it was because he was now married but I knew there were times when he was out of town chasing some business deals. Those were deals I knew a few things about, but had to be kept under wraps till it was done because within the clan, we had a few leaking mouths who bragged to their other friends that they have friends doing well in their businesses. When we were together, Sam would call them “idiots with leaking oral cavities”.

I arrived the bar to meet Farouk and one of his ‘other’ friends and some babes. I would ordinarily not have sat with them but for the presence of the ladies. I don’t know how nature has made it so but I have met a few after Queen decided to go AWOL and saying they are equally good looking is stating the obvious.

“Whaddup guys”, I said fist bumping Farouk and the other guy. I took the seat directly facing the one who caught my fancy among the ladies and said a very cheery hello to her. She grinned in response and I joined the conversation, still keeping an eye on my phone alone.

“Phamo, I don dey grounded for Meeting Point o. Wey you”, I typed into my chat with Femi. Almost instantly, he replied with the driving emoji.

I looked up and added a few words to the ebola gist that was going on. Farouk in his usual manner had started saying different non-existent things and had started pissing me off but I tried hard not to antagonize him.

“See, one just has to be hygienic. The virus isn’t infectious until the carrier is down. Best bet however is to get early testing and detection. The few who survive mostly detected early and started treatment on time. That na the wayo wey dey am”. Dude eyed me angrily but I would not let him misinform people. If he wants to die, he’s free jor.

My blackberry gave a Facebook notification and I opened it absentmindedly

“Hello Best Boy…”

BEST MAN DUTY #5

Read previous episodes…
BMD 1 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a1

BMD 2 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a4

BMD 3 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a8

BMD 4 on wp.me/p2tpoY-ag

 

“It was very nice meeting you at the wedding Dot”

“I appreciate that too bae. Whenever you come to town, pls lemme know”

“Sure. I have a seminar to attend next month sef. So it may be soon”

“Was thinking I’d be the 1 to show up and get you hosting me ni fa. Gon’ expect you then”

“And who’s stopping you from showing up? It’s a big city nah. You’ll get your fill”

“Fill of what? I can’t come looking for an oil sheikh’s babe except I have other businesses to conduct”

“Yaaa just something else shey you know? I wish I actually have that oil sheikh. I wish he’s even just a government official, my shakara for rival the President’s wife own for this FCT. Dude is a regular young man like you jor”

“All follow. Abj huzzler dey diff from Gidi own sha o. No FG money to chop in our dear Gidi”

“Na you sabi that one Mister Best Man, or best boy like Cynthia called you”

“And talking of my best girl, you Zee are just a sweet person. Know that for real. I owe you one”

I was in bed, back in my ever bustling Lagos. As I chatted away the evening with her, scenes of the night out played in my head. Queen obviously knew I was back in town but her yeyeness did not allow her show up. She was forming angry, and I loved it because I was not ready for her wahala. She had become very predictable, my very troublesome pretty babe. I already knew how to get her sorted after her bouts of needless annoyance.

While Queen’s shadow enveloped my living room like it always did when I missed her, I could not blank out the very eventful time with Zee. For all of my philandering, no one had openly flirted with me in a while the way she did. While out at the party, her hands did not stay in one place. They were just straying like a lost lamb looking for its mother. The drink she had further emboldened her to do whatever it was she was thinking of in her head.

Not much of a dancer, I sat and watched as my clan and the babes around just danced away to different tunes by different musicians. She asked me to let us get on the dance floor but I politely rejected, choosing to try to get her talking. That was my way of engaging any female company I had at events because of my absolute lack of dancing skills. When the drink started acting well, she did not even bother; she just drew me to the floor. I obeyed and followed her as she had refused to dance with any of the clan. Lucky me, that was the exact time the couple joined the party.

The fast paced dance hall music had to stop and we toasted to a very happy home for them. Music changed and it became the kind I loved that boomed out of the speakers. Slow music, the one that gets two people cling to one another as if their lives were in each other’s arms.

She did not wait for the music to start playing before she pushed against me. I felt the succulence of her breasts against my chest, and my head spun. Sam and Dorothy led the way while every other person was ‘doubled’ except some people whose faces I could not pick who sat in the dark recesses of the hall ‘doing things’. Being a boob fetishist, I drew her closer to feel the twin towers more than lightly. I knew fire was burning in that hall at that moment so I just blanked everyone out.

When Cece Winans’ ‘I Promise’ started playing, my mind went to Queen and flashed a picture of her right before me. I did not allow that to faze me as I simply replaced it with Zee’s while my imagination placed Cynthia in that situation.

What won’t alcohol do to the mind? That song triggered something that made me finally take her lips with mine. She responded straight and we locked lips, gently moving over one another’s lips, allowing the desire to build. An expert kisser blessed with full, smooth lips, she urged me on, probing into my mouth and I responded as if it was the kiss of life. I would not lie; she rivaled Queen with her mouth game. The music was long over before we broke the kiss. We just looked at one another like drugged people; the lust was burning veins and tearing down defences.

“Let’s go”, I said gruffly, dragging her out of the hall. She dragged me to dance; I was the one doing the dragging now. I am very sure it was a matter of seconds that it took us to get to the room. The desire to have one another was too heavy. We managed to let the door close before we resumed, tearing at one another like starved maniacs. Hands got to work, mine and hers, touching good parts and removing hindering pieces of clothing. I did not care what was going down, I just knew I was going to explore, with Zee for the first, and maybe the only time.

I illuminated the room with the small table lamp to give a small shade of light. We got busy, matching one another for pace and stroke till the peak built for us both, she first and me less than a minute afterwards. Mind blowing shag, the kind I had not experienced in a while. We looked at one another and there I saw it, a smile of contentment on her face, and within me, that relaxing feeling that comes with release. Sleep won afterwards

She fulfilled her promise of getting me a way to track Cynthia. If you are not a promise and fail person, you got all of me. That gave Zee a good rating with me. I was very tired, totally spent at daybreak but she sat by the edge of the bed doing something I did not bother to know till she called my attention. I was far away and only the tingly feeling of her slight touch brought me back. She handed me her phone and smiled.

“There you are Mister, your Best Girl’s Facebook. Add her up and take it up from there. Looks like I’ve tried on that front”, she said and paused, “and on the other front”, she added with a very seductive wink.

I could not contain the excitement. I sat up and collected her phone while I picked mine as well to search and add Cynthia up on Facebook. Zee got up and went into the bathroom, half clad. Much as my attention was on the name I was keying into my phone, I saw her go and there was a movement at the ‘south pole’. I finished my Facebook assignment and dropped the blackberry on the bed before following Zee into the bathroom.

“Make we do one more for the road”, I mused, grinning with mischief.

**********************************************

“Shey you didn’t hear that I was knocking the door ni Dotun. This your Port Harcourt trip don bring change o, abi what’s all this rubbish now?”

This winsh don carry her wahala come. When I wan rest for Chrissake?

“Must you scream? Must the whole compound know you are at the door? Haba! I was sleeping nau”

“You will still lie down there and burn my credit instead of you to come open the door ehn? Abi you don bring one of the bridal train girls come Lagos?”

I did not answer; I just ended the call and made for the door. Queen knew how to find trouble on days she was set for it. She knew I was back but did not come because she maybe was hoping to catch me doing something nasty, I so know her thought pattern. Troublesome as she was, I needed her around because she it was that reined me in.

“All hail my Queen, my own Dame Impatience”, I tried bantering. She just zoomed past me like a train that was going to crush whatever stood on its way.

“Dotun yaaa a meanie sha. You are just a very mean person. You came from PH and waited for me to come over abi. You’re so tired of me you chose not to lemme know you have arrived. Keep it up o. To make it worse you’re calling me the Queen of Impatience abi?”

I sighed, smiled and got closer, holding her by the shoulder “Did I ever call you that?”

She eyed me as if to cut my head with those cute eyes. “Dotun move back. Just leave me alone. Don’t start patronizing me abeg”

She knew I would keep doing the exact opposite of everything she had said but she would not stop struggling. I grabbed her waist from behind and used one of the lines she always used in times of disagreement – “if you like vex till next year, na me still own you”. She twisted herself free and hit me on the shoulder. She was letting down her guard, regaining control of her temper.

“You’re just a wet pant Dotun. See your life, na my own words you dey use pacify me. No bit of being romantic in your big head. Yeye boyfie, I no go marry you this way I swear”

“Baby baby, even if I am the wettest pant in the whole world, you will still leave the dry ones to wear me”

“Leave me jor. You better change your ways”

She went into the kitchen after that and I knew I had company for the night already. Looking at the calendar, I knew it was a public holiday the next day. I just picked my blackberry and entered the toilet. I knew I had to resave some information if I did not want midnight war.

“Gotta go Zee, the city calls. I need to see someone in town”, I typed furiously into my chat with Zee. She replied as if she’d been waiting – “Okies. Ttyl”. I ended that chat and some others, then deleted some calls from the log. Clean phone, I bounced out of the toilet, confident enough to leave my phone anywhere.

I went into the kitchen and Queen was not there. I opened the back door, thinking she had gone to dispose the waste but she was not there. I closed the door and turned to see her looking at me, shaking her head.

“You this Dotun ehn! Where did you go?”

“Me? I go shite ni now”

“You didn’t hear your phone ringing?

“How would I hear from the toilet? Maybe you’ll lend me one of the ears of your village chief”, I replied, sticking my tongue out to which she rolled her eyes. “I was with the other phone really. Whoever was calling should have called the other one nau”

“Anyways, Sam called and I answered him that you are somewhere within the house. When I did not see you, I had to end the call”

“Marriage dey remove sense for person head? That idiot knows he should call the other line if I did not answer the one he’s called”.

She handed me my phone and went back into the living room. It was time for her yeye Telemundo but I knew better than to drag anything with her. I wanted to act lovey dovey so I went to lie on the sofa, my head on her laps.

She was concentrated on the television while I was multitasking on social media. I was checking my twitter timeline to see if there was one of the needless twitfights and gossips. I was at the same time seeing some of the wedding pictures on Instagram, of course I was looking out for Cynthia. I clicked on my Facebook notification to see if she had accepted my friend request.

Queen pushed my head aside and went to the kitchen to serve dinner while I left the living room almost immediately to clean out the room in readiness for the night. The rest of the evening went without any issue. It felt like old times when we would chat and make jest of one another. I even slept off with my head on her laps, and her hand rubbing and stroking my face and beards. I did not know how I retired into the room but with her by my side, I knew it was going to be a very beautiful night. The wind went out of the sail some minutes later however. After changing the lights to the dull, night one, she tapped me – “Dotun, who is Zee?”

Sleep deserted me and I sat up. The jury was out against me, and I had to look for quick defence before hell would be let loose.

BEST MAN DUTY #4

Happy holidays everyone. May the essence of the Eid-el-Kabir not be lost on us all. Thanks for following so far. Enjoy today’s episode and don’t forget to use the comment box. Sharing with friends isn’t a bad idea too. Bless up…xoxoxoxoxo
Read previous episodes…
BMD 1 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a1
BMD 2 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a4.
BMD 3 on http://wp.me/p2tpoY-a8

The hall was illuminated enough for each person to see the other. It smelt fresh with different perfumes. How the clan made it happen in so short a time was a mystery but this was looking every deal the ideal after party. I saw a few faces from the wedding lazing around, shaking to the music. I could trust my clan to plan a social gathering that would take others five months in fifteen minutes. With what welcomed me to the hotel hall, I knew instantly that it was going to be an interesting evening that could swing any way.
That was no surprise anyway. There was Mike and his fellow party rocker, Dele, the logistics got sorted and they had the couple bring people together. That was not really a huge task as there were still friends in the hotels booked.
“Here looks so wonderful even for someone like me who doesn’t like loudness”, I said to Femi who smiled that I was finally in high spirits. “Looks like I’m one of the few overdressed folks here. Make I enter room and freshen up”, I added. He nodded his head in the direction of the person he got waiting for me, the one whose eyes bored holes into my body earlier in the day.
“Hail her before you go nah. Take over for the night Dot. You know how these things work. Lucky you, Queen could not make it down”.
We took the short walk to where she was seated with some of the other ladies on the bridal train and those in aso ebi. Pleasantries exchanged with them, I looked at her wearing my ashewo expression as much as I could.
“Hey pretty, I could not bring me to say a few words to you during the wedding in the afternoon”, she smiled. “Seems I’ve got the chance to redeem me. Name’s Dotun”. The ‘soft drinks’ I had was working well, my mouth was not in lack of what to say as I tried to warm up to who was already mine for the taking all day. I know that look when I see it. We don tey for this game nah.
“You were busy really. Checking out the facts and figures of different babes”, she replied with a huge grin. Femi and her other friends were getting familiar as well, and as if it was pre-planned, they just left us to face one another.
“That is expected in a place like this where we’ve got many pretty heads. Have I been forgiven for that act of lookery?”
“Did I say it’s a sin? Look brother, looking isn’t a sin. Don’t nail yourself. Don’t we all look?”
The meaning of that was not lost on me. In that instant, we stared into one another’s eyes for the first time. I don’t know what she saw but I knew what I saw would make the party one of my best in recent times.
Music was coming, their kind of silly loud music when they should have played something more soothing. The rubbish boys will however tell you “club banger is king in a situation like this”. I had no interest in their music anyway; I just wanted to see how the evening was going to pan out. I still secretly hoped Cynthia would be there, hidden somewhere and later presented to me as the trophy for my exertions all day.
“You still haven’t told me the name you answer mami”, I said trying to up the ante. It was obvious that we were communicating with our eyes and voices. Been a while I played the seduction game so I was loving it, it was fun. It actually made me feel about six years younger. She smiled again and made to answer me when her mobile, carefully placed on the table rang. She ended the call and looked at me still smiling. Just then one of her friends spoke.
“Zee, we’re going to the bar. What should we bring for you guys?”
“What do you want Dot?”, she asked me, same way her friend asked her. I was taken aback by that. I introduced myself to her as Dotun, and here she addresses me exactly how the clan does. Managing after the initial surprise, I ask for a bottle of water.
“Dot wants water Jemi, you know what I’ll have”. This babe was ‘getting’ me already. I was wondering how she knew my tag and I did not waste time to ask her. Again she smiled, that bewitchingly seductive smile. I had to change my cloth and take a shower but I was enjoying her company. I told her I needed to get into my room and asked her to let’s take the short walk together. She obliged and we left the hall. As I got up, to take my leave Farouk’s was the next voice I picked, even with the loud music.
That idiot can like to spew a lot of rubbish when females are around him, and on this night, he had more than a few with him and two other friends. The drink I had was still active in my system as I was a little different from the normal me. I was not tipsy, just a little high. I had unfinished yabis with him so I turned to his table as I made to leave.
“You don begin tell these pretty babes your fables again abi? Hey ladies, has he called himself Superman or Shekau yet?”
I knew how to get on his nerves, and that I just did again because everyone burst out laughing. I knew Farouk disliked being the butt of jokes as much as he liked doing to others. For him, “yabis get boundary”.
“Goat, I know you’re in one of your lousy take down modes so I won’t join issues with you”, he replied trying hard to drown the laughter from the rest of the clan.
I targeted Farouk because he was always very easy to piss when he had female company. I tore into him a bit more to dampen his high spirits before cracking a few more jokes that we all laughed at.
“Let’s go Zee”, I took her hand and led her out.
We strolled towards the reception, trying to know the basics about one another. She told me Zee is the ‘funkified’ version of Zainab. ‘Funkified’ sounded good to the ears really, it was my first time of hearing that. She told me she just resumed work with a federal government agency in Abuja. That and a whole lot of other information I did not ask for or needed. The interaction was interesting as she seemed cerebral. She had basic knowledge of different areas of life: politics, entertainment, gossip, health, finance and even sport. It was easy to relate with her as we changed topics at will.
The walk to my hotel room took longer than necessary because we totally slowed down. A snail would finish a hundred metre race before us. We continued our discussion inside the room and I left her to go run myself a cool bath. I was done very quickly and came out smelling and looking fresh, even to myself. She looked up and did that smile again. If I were Usain Bolt, I would have been sapped of all my energy with that smile.
“See fineness. No wonder Cynthia kept trying to get your attention”. I looked into her eyes that minute. That was not the first time I got commended for my looks but I realized at that instant that the Best Girl had not strayed into my thoughts since me and Zee started discussing.
“You need some more hypo sweetheart, that way you will wash me better. When a good looking you deceives me that I look good, you make me wanna pinch me that I’m not dreaming”
“Stop being modest Dot. Half the train got all mushy over you but we noticed you had the hots for Cynthia”
“How do you even know they call me Dot? You did not answer when I asked you earlier”
“We know what we wanna, same way I know you have been friends with Sam for long and that you have a thing for Cynthia. Same way I know you were trying hard to ignore me because she was there. Maybe it woulda been a bit different if there was no Cynthia”
I liked her boldness. I liked my women coming straight at me, and I knew the night was just getting started. She brought me back again
“Your phone rang while you were away”, she said as she picked it from the bed and gave it to me. It was Queen that called. I knew it was going to be a not-so-cool convo but I called back and of course she showed her colour.
“Is it not time for you to call me ni Dotun? Abi those girls there no let you remember say you get person wey dey wait you for Lagos? You know I can’t trust you one bit and would still gimme reasons to never consider doing so shey? No worry o, I’m sha expecting you back tomorrow. As I nor fit attend now, you fit dey do anything wey you wan do. I dey here dey wait you”.
I chose not to say a word, let her run her mouth and get the venom inside her out. When I knew she was done, I tried to reply as cheerfully as possible – “hope your day went well madam. Have a blessed night”. I ended the call and switched off my phone, then I turned to Zee.
“Hey mami, if I avoided you all day. I have you all night”. She flushed, made to speak, and then stopped again. She got up and smiled again.
“You have me all night after your babe raked for you. You’re absolutely funny. I’ll enjoy my night with you anyways. We may not see again after today”
“I need a favour before we get the night into overdrive. My flight to Lag is 12 noon tomorrow and we may not be chanced to see then. I’d like that you get me Cynthia’s deets. I wanna meet that babe again”.
I was serious, I sounded serious, I acted serious and I got a serious response.
“All I know about her is that she’s very good friends with Dorothy, friends from their boarding house days. I don’t have her deets Dot”
“There must be a way you can help me Zee”
“I know of more than one way. Let’s enjoy the night out and I’ll reward you with everything you want, and that which you have not asked for”
I nodded understandingly, smiled and closed the gap between us. I moved not decided whether to kiss her or not. I noticed the anticipation but I tried hard not to exploit her . Instead of kissing, I whispered into her ears – “let’s get the night started with the party, we’ll be back here to sort every other detail”.
I disengaged, took her hand and led her back to the hall.